Thumb Wrestling in Baltimore

Me: When do you leave?
D: In the morning. Can I borrow a couple of tank tops if I need them?
Me: Sure. I'm kayaking after work, but I'll be home later on.
D: Although I'm not sure I can fit into them.
Me: Stop.
D: Basically, I need to lose 20 pounds tonight. Any suggestions?
Me: Uhhhh, tons of Fibersure. And prayer.
D: So, your recommendation is fiber and Jesus? That's all you got?
Me: That's all you need.

Doesn’t actually look anything like Bodie (and of...

“YO! Bobby made some grilled cheese yesterday at 3:45 in the...”
—  Message from my friend Ryan...

My parents live in the home in which my...

They bought it from my grandparents in the mid ‘90s when my grandparents decided to head north to...

My friend Darin and I are having (a long overdue) dinner...

“It’s insane to pursue an activity that drains you of...”
— my friend Darin, in response...

Text I received at 3:41 am last...

(For the record, I was asleep.) “In Iowa.  Just quit my job.  Heading back to Baltimore in a...

Mental health day.

Marc and I attempted to recreate the Monica and Ross New...

What do they say about girls with big hands? (and red eyes)

I read the entirety of “When you are Engulfed in...

Currently reading. “The Private Memoirs and...

Nothing like a quick trip to the Home...

They act like they’ve never seen a chick in a dress before.

West Coast Story

This time tomorrow I’ll be drooling on a stranger’s shoulder (I like to sit on the aisle...

My friend John is gay. You'll...

Me: I want to die, I'm so hungover. I look like I got punched in the face. I'm wearing the same clothes that I wore last night.
John: You left me the most incredible voice mail last night. I want nothing more than for you to be drunk and talking to my phone for the rest of my life.
Me: Jesus. What did I say?
John: Everything. Nothing. You wanted me to come over and play Apples to Apples with you because you had a new, untouched game and "wasn't that a shame" but then you lamented that we couldn't play with only 2 people and asked if I knew anyone else who might be awake and wanting to play games at 3 am and THEN discussed options for 2 player games with Apples to Apples cards.
Me: Anything good?
John: Well. No.
Me: Don't remember a word of it.
John: Here's a general tip though. In the future, if you want a guy to come over at 3 o'clock in the morning, you shouldn't tell him that you're not going to have sex with him.
Me: I said that to you?!?
John: Repeatedly. You kept being like "this is not a booty call, so don't get any ideas." You must have said "I'm not going to sleep with you, John" 4 or 5 times.
Me: Well that ruins my theory that I forgot who I was talking to mid voice mail.
John: You're not my type.

Such a little lady.